Brian’s Substack Jun 2Liked by David Cole Be careful Dave. Drinking did my brother in many years ago at age 35, and the end was very bad. Wouldn’t want to see that happen to you. But I have selfish reasons. I like reading your stuff. Expand full comment |
Thank you, Brian. I truly appreciate that. Many people do things daily that risk their health, and I closely monitor my body to see when it's time for a break. But also, we all have different tolerances and genetics. My liver numbers always return to normal after a month or two off. That's the trick; just keep watch over the liver! That said, I know, at age 55, that eventually, maybe soon, I WILL have to choose between my health or booze, and I'll have to quit for good. I don't fool myself that that day isn't coming. Expand full comment |
Singal-Minded Jun 2Liked by David Cole Drinking killed a woman I knew at a much younger age than you are now, fella, so get a handle on your sh*t! I can't just drop everything and fly across the country to drag your broke-down ass to Cedars-Sinai. Drink a lot of water and Gatorade, get yourself some benzos. Expand full comment |
Indeed, staying hydrated is THE most important aspect. In fact, I never take a swig without a chaser of water. I think that's one of the reasons I've been able to do this so long. LOTS of water. And whenever my liver numbers get bad, I quit for a while (indeed, you met me during a sober month). The liver needs time to regenerate. But considering how long I've been at this, I think I'm one of those folks with, whether genetically or whatever, a high bodily tolerance. That said, I know it will likely not last forever (I say "likely" because, better or worse, many of us know 80-year-old drunks who never quit). Expand full comment |
Just Thinking Out Loud Jun 2Liked by David Cole Just a note of caution: it’s possible to drink too much water, and it can even be fatal (for that, we’re talking drinking ridiculous amounts of water, scarfing it down quart after quart); but even before it gets to the stage of ‘water toxicity’, overhydration can cause nausea, headaches, drowsiness, etc. https://www.healthline.com/health/overhydration It’s just something to be aware of. As the saying goes, ‘Everything in moderation—including moderation’. Expand full comment |
I never chug water by itself. I have a simple formula: one gulp of rum followed by one gulp of water, then some extra water before bed to ensure I stay hydrated through the night. Remember, I've been doin' this 21 years! Expand full comment |
Taking meth and fentanyl is good cure for alcoholism Expand full comment |
LOL!!! And ZERO side effects! Expand full comment |
Well there is ONE big side effect to Fentanyl. Expand full comment |
Ozempic causes bizarre sexual behavior? Too bad Ozempic didn't exist when Vito was spotted in a gay bar on The Sopranos. Poor Vito had to blame his gay tendencies on his blood pressure medicine. If Ozempic had been around back then, they might have believed him and he wouldn't have ended up beaten to death with a pool cue shoved up his ass. Meh, probably not. Those mob guys didn't have much tolerance for "ass munchers." Expand full comment |
LOL! Still, it would've at least given Vito a better excuse (funny enough, Vito shares a last name with the "Jaywalking Joker" guy in the final segment). Expand full comment |
Myriad’s Substack Jun 3·edited Jun 3Liked by David Cole Oh David... this is such an easy problem to solve! Ok, here is what we need to do- First, you send me your neighbor's address. I don't need his name, just the address. He's right next door, so his address must be only 1 or 2 numbers off from yours. Second, I go buy a fairly generic "Get Well Soon" card, something plain, with plenty of room to write a personal note inside. Then, I write something along the lines of the following in the card- "Dear David, So sorry to hear about your recent stroke! I was talking to Lydia, and she explained that you are almost completely debilitated now. Bummer man! (part of the beauty of this is the tone; It's meant to be somewhat sincere, but also rather snide, and kinda sh*tty, that's what sells it as genuine) She also told me that you are just about completely financially destitute, and that nearly any unforeseen expense, could really crush you, and force you to accept moving into a home for derelicts. No, this isn't about the $50,000 you owe me, or about you f*cking my wife in 1987, that's all water under the bridge now. However, I wanted to let you know that when you finally hit rock bottom, I've got a very large, very outspoken, and dare I dare "rambunctious" black family that would just love to buy your home. They came into some money from a settlement after the Compton PD killed their oldest son, Da'ChevisRegal, in what proved to be an unlawful traffic stop, and they really want to move to Beverley Hills, so that there three other sons can launch their rap career in a home with a garage, and plenty of shade in the backyard for house parties, etc. In a way, I think it would be fitting that your home go to members of the marginalized community, that have never known anything but the projects, abject poverty, gang and street violence, and the cut throat business ethics of the modern gangster rap industry, as a form of recompense for your past deeds. It would also offer plenty of room for their Uncle, and his two daughters, as they are both single mothers, and would welcome the chance to get away from the constant violence perpetrated by their various baby daddy's, and their hoodlum friends. At any rate, let me know when you are ready to sell, I've got a great convalescent home for you in Tucson Arizona, and the price is right in your ballpark. Get well soon buddy! We're all pulling for you! Adios, Amigo!" Then, I mail this card, with no name, only an address, to your neighbor with the tree problem. I suspect, that his need for trimmed trees will abate quickly enough, and if you can avoid him for another couple of years, that wouldn't hurt either. Cheers! Expand full comment |
The most brilliant plan ever, Mike! I'm in, all in! I'd just have to make sure to only take my garbage to the curb at 3am from now on, to guarantee avoiding him. Expand full comment |
f*cking' hilarious! Expand full comment |
Dave take it easy on the drink. Without you who would torment me with the truth? I am glad to see you choose health over alcohol when you have to make choice. I used to drink had to quite. Am amazed by people like Winston Churchill who drank fairly heavily for decades into old age. Expand full comment |
Thank you for the kind words! And yeah, it's those lifetimers who "inspire" people like me to roll the dice that we might be one of them. That said, I constantly monitor my liver numbers, and by now I know just by feel when they've gotten bad (the nausea). So I always take a break when needed. And if the day comes when I have to quit for good, I will. Expand full comment |
DC you might want to look into https://www.herb-pharm.com/ They sell a tincture called Liver Health This can be a daily regime, much like your obsession with Triangular Trade Rum Expand full comment |
I absolutely WILL look into that! Thank you. Expand full comment |
On the topic of drinking, Dave, I've never been much of one -- I'm a literal social drinking so never have any alcohol at home -- so I'm going to defer to you as the experienced drinker: do you believe booze is a truth serum of sorts, one that loosens inhibitions and lets one say what they really think deep down? Or, is it a gate to hell where one's inner demons may escape and the drunken person should never be held liable for what comes out of their mouth when in a stupor? Myself, rarely ever been drunk, but when I have I'm always embarrassed the next day by what I did and said, so I'd say alcohol doesn't amplify one's true self but rather wickedly distorts it. What say you? Expand full comment |
Well, it brings out not so much truth, but personality. Nice people become fun drunks, sentimental drunks. "I love you man" drunks. Not-nice people become mean drunks, violent, aggressive, fight-picking drunks. That said, inexperienced drunks just become clumsy stammerers, regardless of the type of person they are. And the true pros, like I was, retain control, and don't really "become" anything. My tolerance used to be frighteningly high before I'd show any signs of drunkenness. Expand full comment |
I rarely drink, for no other reason than I don't feel like it. When I do drink, though, it brings out the real me - angry, resentful, seeking out fights, pissed off at this motherf*cking disgrace we have made of a once great nation. Expand full comment |
Binge alcoholism is the hardest form of alcoholism to treat as the alcoholic has convinced themselves that there is no problem. "I can stop whenever I want"! "I've done it many times". And then they're dead. Don't be dead. Get help. Please. Expand full comment |
Dave, we (your readers) care about you and need you be healthy. We care. You should consider quitting the booze. Just switch to hard drugs or pills. You may also mix a co*cktail of drugs, such as MDMA and Ketamine. These will give you the ecstatic feeling you need and your liver will thank you. Expand full comment |
Booze is what works for me, because I write well (and happily) while drunk. When I've tried other things, I just get dizzy. Writers are drinkers, Bill. Musicians are druggies, writers are boozers. It's traditional! But your concern means a lot to me. Thank you! Expand full comment |
Well if it works for you then keep doing it. Just take those breaks in between and maybe moderate. That's why I suggest mixing co*cktails. Way better than drinking that s*** straight. Problem is you got no family, no parents, and your best friends are gone already. Online folks just don't fill that void. It's easy to slip into a depressing phase. When I was younger walking down Washington Boulevard in Pasadena I would roll into the 7-Eleven beside our apartment building and look at the magazines, which there were many back in 1975. The Playboy and Penthouse of course had a little wooden placard to prevent us youngsters from seeing the covers, just the seductive edges. That's kind of what they did to you at Takimag, putting you, the Larry Flint of writers, behind the curtain. Internet hosts are elated with videos of two fists thrusting an anus but they are aghast by edgy right leaning political speech, so Taki is worried. You push your luck with a DWI (Dave Writing Intoxicated). You just like walking way out there on thin ice. Just don't do that with your health, please. Expand full comment |
To hell with your neighbor DC! You don’t scrimp and save and then roll over because some geriatric recluse says “When I say jump Joo, your response better be, how high Sir G!” For the love of Christ (lol) will you please grow a pair and for the love of the Holy Trinity (lmao) please get off the Rum! It will not kill you to try a couple bottles of Cali grown and fermented grapes, old Zin, a Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc. Expand full comment |
Well, the neighbor's a Joo, too! Keep in mind, Martin, how high my tolerance is! It takes a LOT of wine to work on me. I've gotten better from my days of two litters of straight vodka a day ten years ago - I purposely brought my tolerance down from that extreme high. I'm dry all June, but if I start again in July, I'll have one night - the first night - when my tolerance is low enough for wine or Champagne to work on me. I always celebrate that first night with Proseco. Expand full comment |
Why’s Substack Jun 2Liked by David Cole Aww Dave this worries me. Please go see a doctor about the drinking. The shakes can kill you, but they can give you something for the shakes. I would also totally read a David Cole rehab memoir. It would be great: the counselors wouldn't know what hit them. If you needed a pseduonym to put it out under, I'm sure one of your friends (you do still have some) would do it. Like the writers who fronted for their blacklisted friends in the 50s in Hollywood (well - allegedly, anyway. I'm sure you have the real inside info on what actually happened.) I live in Colorado now, everyone's trees not only hang over everyone else's yards, the branches also fall during windstorms. My neighbor angrily gets out his Sawzall to break up the branches that fall in the yard, all while eyeing my home grumpily. But: he does it. I linked to Best Served Cole from my substack no one reads. One, I hope that's okay with you, I'll unlink it if you want. Two, this is work worth reading. You gotta stay around for us, because we're relying on you. Do rehab; write the memoir; there's gotta be a way to get it out. And god knows, if people will read about Slash injecting heroin into his dick* they'll read your stories; your stories are often better. *I never read his memoir but I didn't have to - everyone I knew did. Expand full comment |
Thank you for the very kind words, and for linking my Substack! Greatly appreciated. Also, many thanks for your concern. What bothers me about the neighbor is that he has a weekly bean gardener who could do it easily. I only have recurring beans who come around only when called upon (after storms, mainly). I'd never ask an 80+ year old man to cut branches, but he has a regular guy on payroll. Use him, you ass! You're already paying him anyway. Expand full comment |
Why’s Substack Jun 3Liked by David Cole Fair point about the neighbor. Expand full comment |
I have the greatest neighbor ever. I have a big tree that drops leaves and pecans all over his driveway. I've asked him if he wants the limbs cut, or the pecans and leaves swept away, and he says they do not bother him at all. He never complains, and he and his pretty young wife wave at me when they drive by or when they take their walks together, hand in hand. Expand full comment |
The neighbors on my other side are great. Very white (non-Jewish) blonde family with five kids. The youngest is a rambunctious young boy named Colter, and when he gets on my lawn his mom calls out "COLTER! COLTER!" and I initially think, "oh sh*t, Ann's in town!" Expand full comment |
I read your Substack and liked the story about the WNBA, but I could not find anywhere to give you a like. Expand full comment |
Why’s Substack Jun 3 Hmm I'll look into it Expand full comment |
I remember when that Kenny Roger's sex scandal happened. It was on Hard Copy or some show like that in the 90s, they even played the voicemail messages he left on one woman's phone. Super creepy & funny. Total perv. Then it just went away overnight, I wonder what happened to those voicemails. Please take care of yourself Dave alcoholism is so destructive, a lot of people appreciate you. Ozempic users already have compulsive behavior issues to begin with, that is why they are on that stuff, now they just find something else to excessively do since they don't like food that much anymore. Expand full comment |
Thank you, Gina! And great point about them looking for something else because they don't like food as much. Never thought of that! Expand full comment |
It is just trading compulsions from what I have observed. They just want to be distracted from whatever it is that is bothering them. I guess Ozempic removes their desire to eat. Expand full comment |
Kate’s Substack Jun 3Liked by David Cole Dave- I'm so glad you shared some of the Kenny Rodgers details! Unbelievable!! Expand full comment |
It was very briefly a big story when it happened in the '90s, and then it totally got memory-holed. Expand full comment |
Oh, Ruby, don’t take your &@$# to town Expand full comment |
Life imitating art or art imitating life? Only Kenny knew. Expand full comment |
Myriad’s Substack Jun 3Liked by David Cole A couple additional thoughts, as I pondered this piece at greater length- #1- As someone that could be considered a "more than moderate drinker" myself, I won't bore you with protestations or invocations to stop, or mend your ways, or any of that blithe blather. I will offer that perhaps, straight rum followed with a water chaser is maybe not the best libation for your situation? Myself, I'm a vodka guy; It must be my Eastern European lineage. But it affords for Screwdrivers and Bloody Mary's, both excellent breakfast companions, but also The White Russian! Or, as The Dude preferred to call it, "A Caucasian". Lastly, the Vodka Tonic with lime. (I'm sure there are countless more, but like you, in my fifties, I ain't changing sh*t!) Thus, the compendium of my beverages of choice, for now, and most likely, forever. It's a limited spectrum, but they all have their role, with their various pluses and minuses. But hey, they got me this far! #2- This limb situation. Don't get me wrong, I understand the desire to be a good neighbor, and all that jazz, but limbs, that hang above a neighbor's property!? Are they touching his house? Lying atop his fence? Doing something that all limbs, everywhere, do inherently, like blowing to and aft in the gentle breezes of the Southern California summer winds? I'm only half serious, but why is this your problem? I've lived in neighborhoods with trees all over the place; They all hang over everyone's property, in every form and fashion, and just like they aren't nigg*rdly with the shade they offer, why is it incumbent upon you to trim a tree that grows from your property, but has limbs that hang in the atmosphere above somebody else's? Because minus any eventual damage, I'd be like "Nah man, I like those limbs just fine. If you don't, then pay someone to trim them, while standing on your property" Like I said, I "get" being a good neighbor, but this sounds a little too demanding for just the usual "Hey Buddy, do me a solid" Either that, or I'd get about 6 double-tall screwdrivers in me, and climb up there and start hacking sh*t off, until he became fearful that "the cure might be worse than the disease", and implored to stop, before a limb ends up on his roof, on his car, or right thru the back window! (which I'd later deny) Cheers! Expand full comment |
Trees, legal responsibility, trimming, etc., pertaining to your property and a neighbor's property are all items subject to much previous litigation and subsequent common law. In fact, the fine Governor of the great State of Texas was the unfortunate victim of a negligently attended tree long ago and recovered substantial damages from his injuries. It was agreed and paid to Mr. Abbott by the insuror of The Davey Tree Expert Company. https://www.texastribune.org/2013/08/02/greg-abbott-gets-millions-lawsuit-proceeds/ If one of my tree branches falls on my neighbor's fancy new truck, I expect my insurance company will cover it. Hence, I have them regularly tended to by Hispanic professionals. Expand full comment |
Myriad’s Substack Jun 4Liked by David Cole Interesting... I'm either blessed or cursed to have zero trees in my yard (well, there was a little one, but my dog killed it by stripping off all of the bark), so I'm also curious about these situations that I've never personally experienced. Expand full comment |
Calling what's overhanging my neighbor's yard "branches" is technically true, but they're really more like fronds. They couldn't "crush" a fly even if they fell. Interestingly, in CA the law favors the tree. A neighbor who trims a neighbor's overhang is severely liable should the trim harm the tree. Expand full comment |
I always like a writer clever enough to properly use the word defined thusly by Merriam-Webster: "Usage of nigg*rd and nigg*rdly The words nigg*rd and nigg*rdly are etymologically unrelated to the highly offensive and inflammatory racial slur euphemistically referred to as the N-word, despite the words' visual and auditory resemblance to it. Because of that resemblance, however, both nigg*rd and nigg*rdly are often taken to be offensive." Personally, I prefer the synonym "penurious" especially as it pertains to me. I am not offended by the word you used, though. I'm offended by those who are offended by the correct usage of the word. Expand full comment |
Myriad’s Substack Jun 4Liked by David Cole Yeah, it's kind of a running gag with Cole, so I intentionally included it, whether it be perfect or not. Expand full comment |
Regarding vodka, that used to be my drink. From 2011 to 2015, I downed two liters a day of it, straight. But I don't care for the taste of it anymore, and it reminds me of the period when my mom was ill. Expand full comment |
Great job per usual! One good thing about having the shakes is that if they ever do a movie on your life Michael J Fox can play the title role. Expand full comment |
LOL!!!!!! Expand full comment |
Hi Dave, You're naturally hilarious. I'd hate to see you go and to never be able to read anything new from you again. I hope that you give up the sauce for awhile and fill that drinking time with something productive and healthy, like cutting down those overhanging branches yourself. If it takes you an entire month (or two) to do so be it. Afterwards you can reward yourself with a drink. Expand full comment |
Terry’s Substack Jun 3·edited Jun 3Liked by David Cole Hi David! The story about the vengeful I.T. guy reminds me of one of my best friend's many useful maxims: Never piss off the little people. As an aside, I finally got a chance to listen to the interview you did on the Alec Baldwin Rust case. Really informative and entertaining effort! https://tinyurl.com/2mevvfas Expand full comment |
Very glad you liked it, Terry! I LOVE talking Hollywood's ghoulish history. Expand full comment |
Substack von Tyrone Jun 3Liked by David Cole Dave, you could write a way better Hollywood Babylon type book than Kenneth Anger. Yours would have the advantage of being true and you could include on set shenanigans for fun. With a hat tip to Ken you could write under a pseudonym like Guy Fury or Paul Rage. I would read it. Expand full comment |
You should stall your neighbor for another two years, or until you simultaneously take out the garbage again, or until one of you dies. Here’s hoping for death! Expand full comment |
LOL! Expand full comment |
Gotta keep the mix exactly right, and avoid cops’ knees Expand full comment |
Funny you mention - an upcoming column tells the story of the one time in my life I found myself under a cop's knee. Expand full comment |
